I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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