Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
