At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
