I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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