I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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