cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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