i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Randomize
