I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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