i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize