You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
