Soap is not a condiment
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
