i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
