I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
