Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
