i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
