Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
