the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
