I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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