I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
