what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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