got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
