saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
