what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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