Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
