I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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