I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
