Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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