I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
