it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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