I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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