Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize