Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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