Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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