Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
