I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize