Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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