Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
