the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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