What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
