i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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