I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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