I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
