So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
