I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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