I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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