I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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