Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
