Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
