Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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