Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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