and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
