there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
