Life is so much better after having sex.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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