tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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