My hand turned me down
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
