At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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