Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I will pee on everything he values.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
