Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
