I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I smell stomach acid.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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