I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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