i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
