You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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